One Man’s Mountain 7.0 My Hometown, Just his Side of the Apocalypse, Western Oregon, USA
“At a moment like this, I can’t help but wonder
What would Jimmy Buffett do?…..” (Five O’Clock Somewhere)
My Guru (who has been quite dead lo these many years) says that I have a couple of things going for me in this current pandemic. He likes to talk to me when I am in stage four sleep. He thinks I listen better then. He has been through several pandemic plagues: black, bubonic, cholera, locust, and even through three and a half years of Donald J. Trump (the worst of all). So he’s got a lot of perspective when he says: “Well, grasshopper, just think of this, you look pretty good in a mask…”
It’s just that sort of back handed compliment that he is consistently known for and I don’t take it personally anymore. Sure, I know, I look better than ever with half my face covered. It’s a strange thing but wearing the mask has many side effects. It also makes me see less, smell nothing, hear only what I want to hear, and swear that everything now tastes like burnt chicken. It’s a good diet I’m on. The eat-nothing diet. I’m low energy, but my beer belly is finally beginning to disappear.
Yes I’m in fine shape of late. Riding my bike everywhere. Working some, playing a lot of pickle ball and occasionally I accept the invitation from old friends to sit socially distanced in their back yard and drink a gin and tonic. It’s good weather for it, not that I need any particular excuse.
Which is why I find myself at an up-scale grocery in South Eugene searching the aisles for boutique tonic water and organic limes. It is a pretty extensive search and that’s probably why I find her buying dog biscuits on aisle 8. Her? You ask. Yes, her. She. I instantly recognize her. From behind. My old friend and once-upon-a-time lover Dr. W.
Okay now don’t try to tell me this hasn’t happened to you (because it has): You see someone you know, memories come flooding back into your mind, you instantly evaluate: how did we leave things? Should I say hello? Should I walk in the other direction? Was there any particular reason I can remember why she stopped returning my calls? It takes courage to stand straight up, take it like a man, put it out there, say hello, open yourself to rejection. It takes courage. Which is why I immediately turn on my heel and flee to the potato chip section.
My mask (double mask actually, N-95 underneath, blue spandex gaiter holding it together on top) is expansive enough to hide my fear (I hope). She turned slightly when I got close but did not see me. She is wearing a silver rhinestone mask. It looks lovely with her long grey hair, blue blouse to match her eyes, killer yoga tights underneath. I might be lost if I don’t get out of there quickly. Plus I’ve got a basket filled with soda, limes, and Tostitos (Just in case, I quickly switch the chips for a bowl of fresh cut-up melon medley pieces, though the bowl is plastic and I’m sure to get demerits for that, but at least it’s not chips…) Summing up my lagging courage I rush to the check out. Leave now, I’m telling myself, leave now….
Ah yes, thank GOD for social distancing. I get in line, looking over my shoulder to make sure no one recognizes me, then I look straight ahead and there she is DIRECTLY in front of me. With her back (and..ahem..her backside) toward me.
Wow. This woman, Dr. W., just a couple of years younger than me, is looking VERY good. It makes me shutter and want to climb into my mask. But no. I puff out my chest, suck in my stomach. I stand straight. I hope to god she doesn’t turn around, because now I’m stuck with two people 6 and 12 feet behind me.
Okay, my Guru is correct. He says to breathe the moment. He says to live the truth. He says to pull your mask all the way up….
Lucky for me that Dr. W seems to be flirting with the check-out man. He’s tall, handsome, black and a regular charmer. I’ve always loved this guy. Best store clerk ever. He keeps her focused and occupied with the repartee. All I have to do is stand back and BE COOL. All I have to do….
Two minutes and she is packed up and gone out the door. That rhinestone mask is looking good. Everything is looking good. Way tooooo good. Charley , the clerk and I have a little joke session. He digs my tonic water and limes, I tell him I’m going to go party hard in South Eugene. I might even take the mask off later….
Ah… relax. Thank God and Guru for the pandemic. That was close. I go out to the parking lot, retrieve my bicycle and then notice that Dr. W and the rhinestone mask are parked right next to where I locked my bike.
She’s feeding dog treats to her dog in the back of her jeep. Wow! She has a jeep? She has a dog? I thought she lived in that little studio downtown…I thought she…
A second later we are face to face. No avoiding it now. Take a step back then say: ( like you are seeing an old friend for the first time in ages) “HELLO….”
Rhinestone mask. Friendly eyes. A beautiful human. She pulls the mask down and smiles and says:
“Do I know you?”
ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH! It ‘s not Dr. W. It’s some other goddess.
I stammer. I pull my mask off. What an asshole…
“Yes,” I say stupidly, “We know each other. Don’t we? Didn’t we meet at Linda’s party?”
What a complete asshole/idiot/lame-o….
“No,” she says very nicely, “I don’t think so…”
“Really? Aren’t you Doug’s partner?” (I say this so that I don’t seem like some threatening come-on-artist)
“No” she says, still pretty nice, “I don’t have a partner.”
Okay, I know what you are thinking: This is a great opening and if I were currently in the market for an opening (which I am not) I would say something clever like: “Well really..you have no partner, eh.?..Would you then consider going out for a nice cup of tea with a total asshole idiot..because I know one who is currently available…”
I do not say this. I don’t say anything, because I recognize immediately that I have nothing to say. I smile. I say I’m sorry with my eyes. I pull my mask back up, take a couple of steps in reverse. I bow and mumble an apology, give a little Nameste (which is always handy) and she accepts it with another amazing smile. I pedal off into the sunset.
This pandemic has got me on edge, I guess. My Guru would say: No worries. You’ll probably never meet this woman again. She’s obviously on a much higher astral plain. You can go back to your life as a cockroach…
Besides, (he smiles a knowing, relaxed, Guru smile) Look on the bright side: If you do ever meet up again you can be most assuredly sure ….you won’t recognize her.
